Here I am enjoying my first year as a high school business teacher, yet I don’t think that I am setting myself up for success. You constantly hear about students and parents saying that a teacher pushed, punched, sexually assaulted, touched inappropriately, or otherwise poked, prodded, or breathed on the student in a way that merits suing the school and the teacher for more than they are worth.
I am a physical guy. Anyone who knows me knows that I give handshakes, high fives, “pound-its”, brotherly-love type greetings (finger grasp handshake with a semi-hug/pat on the back), rough shoves, pushes, pokes, prods, and more. I am a physical guy. It was how I was raised and how I interact with those in my world. However, this is not okay for the school environment because it sets me up for failure at some point. I am getting all kinds of physical interactions with students that are okay for students to do between themselves, their parents, or an uncle, but not for a teacher/student relationship. The ladies I don’t touch in anyone other than an occasional handshake. Yet this past Friday there was a young lady that I have talked to several times who has a girlfriend, and yes I do mean girlfriend, not friend who is a girl. She was doing this handshake thing (the brotherly-love handshake) with another girl so I did it to her next. It was inappropriate. I didn’t touch her sexually or anything like that. It just did not “feel” right.
This highlighted to me the fact that I don’t know exactly what the physical boundaries are supposed to be between myself and the students. I need to get clarity and read the regulations that govern my conduct. One thing that I definitely notice is that no other teacher is as physical as I am with the students. Nobody has said anything to me yet, but it sure does seem awfully odd that I am the only one doing this. I will find out more this week as I talk to one of the Vice Principals I work and go to church with. He will be honest with me and set me on the path to success. Any wisdom you guys have would be appreciated too.
Keith
Definitely a sad day when you can’t offer a simple hug without the threat of it being misinterpreted and getting sued. That could even happen if you ask another girl to hug a girl for you–who knows what suspicious minds would make of that?!
Our society has a victim mentality, with a judicial system that backs them up, where anyone can sue anyone for anything because they are so put upon, and someone is always out to get them, and therefore it has to be someone elses fault.
I’m a very “touchy huggy” person myself, so I would have the same dilemma if I were a teacher. All I can say is pray for wisdom every day and in every situation.
I just wanted to say that is a great idea about the pre-school/elder care! Speaking from personal experience, my children truly enjoyed going to the nursing home my grandmother was at to visit when they were little (she has passed away now). It never phased them one bit to go to the nursing home and interact with any of the adults that wanted to talk with them (M was probably 2 when she started going and Z went since he was a baby). The kids took joy in interacting with the adults and you could tell it made the day of some of the people we visited, including my grandmother. Since grandma passed we have visited other people we have known in nursing homes but this reminds me that we need to adopt some grandparents and get back to going. I don’t want them to be like J. who will never willingly step foot in a nursing home because it freaks him out. I love listening to my grandmothers (my grandfathers passed before I was born), my grandparent in laws and my great grandparents — those generations have a lot to teach us. Too bad most people won’t listen.
Your problem is the lack of humanity in schools and society. Everyone needs hugs, especially neglected children. Concern and caring are things we humans have evolved; they are in us and to suppress them is a silly thing.
I can’t wait for schools to realize they are working with children who crave attention, validation, information, concern, and love. Our job as teachers is to provide those things so we can have a nation filled with caring individuals.
One can hope…
Great point that our society has failed to realize the human need for affection. We are so afraid of being sued by someone for inappropriate contact that we don’t give them what they crave and what helps them to develop into well-rounded individuals who are able, willing, and know how to care for others. It would be great to take them into nursing homes to let them give and receive. How awesome would that be!
Years ago my mother, who was an actress/singer/director, had an idea:
Make pre-schools and elder care facilities one thing–the same site. The benefits to each group are boundless. Old folks get reinvigorated as they interact and TEACH little ones.
Little ones get the benefit of all that oollldd life experience directed at them, with love and concern being the driving force behind the whole thing.
Imagine gardens created and tended by old gardeners as they impart their knowledge to the young ones who are learning to tend the garden. And so on.
It’s a great model, and one that I think deserves a try.
I just thought of it because the idea sort of institutionalizes the need for contact, which as we have both said, exists, but is discouraged (how horrible it is to discourage a human need).
Hmmmm…
I wonder how it could be implemented? Private school? That would be interesting. Procedures would have to be in place and consistently enforced. Otherwise I might be afraid for the adults…sort of. I will keep this idea in the back of my head as I grow into the educational community. It would definitely take a huge team effort.
Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me, there….(Taxi Driver reference)
If you are talking to me about pre-school/elder care, awesome!
I think her idea was directed at something private; pre-schools and elder care facilities are not public, usually.
I was more interested in sharing the idea because it seems such a simple and obvious thing to do if it were a widely held notion, if you get my drift.
Humans need interaction. Our youngest kids are often neglected due to poverty, poor parenting, and so-on. Our oldest citizens get very little respect, and when they are institutionalized, well, those institutions often suck. Surely you’ve seen images of youngsters going to an old folks home and the previously catatonic elders come to life around the kids.
Mom’s idea merged two needs/solutions under one roof.
Whether or not it’s possible is incidental to the idea. Let’s spread these kinds of ideas and the humanity they engender, as well as the obvious need for them. It’s the kind of innovation RTTT (race to the top) should fund instead of more testing and more charters.
I will throw it out there on twitter.
When I went to substitute teaching orientation they told us it was best to never touch the students. A high five was about the only thing that would be considered okay. Of course, that brought up a discussion about the elementary kids and how touchy feely some of those kids are and how desperate some of them are for contact with an adult who seems to care. The advice remained the same – avoid physical contact. I am not a physical person with anyone other than my husband and kids so it isn’t natural for me to want to hug or touch someone else so this shouldn’t be a problem for me as I sub.
I had a chemistry teacher in high school (he is now the principal at that school) who was very touchy feely. He was the coach of the track team and you would always see the girls leaning on him, sometimes sitting in a chair with him and he was very good at making weird, inappropriate comments. He was creepy to me then and there would be no way I would let my daughter go to a school he was a part of.
Good luck figuring out what works for you.
I talked to the principal friend of mine today and explained things to him. He said that it was going to be up to me to make sure I knew who I could be more physical with. He and I both agreed that physical contact with females should be kept to a minimum. There is NO WAY I would do what that coach did you talked about. That is creepy and perverted.
He also said that other teachers might see me interacting with the students and think to themselves, “Why can’t I have a relationship that open with my students?” or “I can’t believe he is being friends with that thug.” I have no idea. My grad school has some information I am reading through about this now. I am going to have to grapple with this continually I think to develop boundaries with each student instead of a blanket policy for all students. Thanks for reading and posting.
It is a real concern. I have had a few students this year and last give me unsolicited hugs (both genders) and I always feel awkward. I cannot return them and I cannot even appear to for propriety’s sake, yet sometimes I know the student is rarely shown any type of affection outside of school. Students need to know we care about them and some of them are physical, as you are. You are not the only one though. I have noticed a few female teachers that are more physical with the students; in an affectionate but not-at-all-inappropriate way. The difference is that it is somewhat more accepted and expected that a female teacher might show more physical attraction. I do not have an answer but can sympathize with what you are struggling with. Unfortunately, our district does not have clear-cut guidelines in this area, so it is safest to err on the conservative side if you’re not sure.
I think I am okay with the different types of handshakes with the guys. I still will stay away from female touching. I had a female student going through a world of hurt the other day in class. She was crying her eyes out and I had to call her into the hall to see what was going on. She needed a hug but there was no way I was going to do that. It just would have been too inappropriate. That is a shame that we have to be like that but you definitely have to protect yourself. If nothing else I could have had another female student give her hug if she had wanted one.
Thanks for posting.